Who Am I Now? Rediscovering Yourself in the Middle Years

Sustaining the Heart | For Sandwich Generation 50s-60s

Donna’s story came to me through a friend. At 57, stirring her coffee inattentively, she said quietly, “I don’t know who I am anymore. For thirty years, I was a loyal daughter, wife, and mother. I moved from the Philippines to care for my husband’s aging parents while raising our children. I prepared traditional dishes, fostered harmony within the family, and ensured that everyone’s needs were met. After that, my in-laws passed away. My kids finished university and moved to different cities for work. Upon reflection, I find myself questioning my identity: Who am I?

She went on, “Now my parents back home are getting older—my mother requires surgery, and my father’s health is worsening. I am doing my best to help them from afar by sending money and making video calls, but I cannot help feeling guilty about being so distant. My body is not what it once was. I am constantly exhausted. With all the cultural expectations and family responsibilities, I barely recognize my life—or myself.” Her voice trembled. “We are raised to make sacrifices, always putting family first, and that is what I have done. But now, I cannot help but ask… who am I if I am not caring for everyone? I know I should feel grateful, but honestly, I just feel lost.”

If you are nodding, you are not alone. The middle years bring an identity crisis nobody prepares you for.

Multiple Identity Shifts at Once

Your role as a parent is changing from daily hands-on to advisor from the sidelines. Your role with parents is reversing; you are becoming the caregiver. You may notice changes in your body, such as lower energy levels and persistent pain. Your career is changing, and retirement is approaching. Staying connected with your friends can be exhausting, especially when they are scattered far and wide.

All happening simultaneously. No wonder you are asking, “Who am I now?”

What You’re Grieving

You are mourning genuine losses: your younger body, the career you once envisioned, the parents you remember, the energy you used to feel, and the future you had pictured. These are not minor letdowns; they are meaningful, significant losses.

Here’s permission: It is okay to grieve. You are not being ungrateful or negative, you’re being human. Jesus wept at Lazarus’s tomb, even knowing He had raised him (John 11:35). He faced his grief before experiencing the miracle, giving space to his loss. You can do the same.

Who You Are Beneath the Roles

Your identity in Christ does not shift with your roles. You have been a daughter, wife, mother, employee, and friend. These are important roles, but not who you are. Your core identity: You are a beloved child of God (Ephesians 1:4-5).

Before you were a parent, you were God’s child. Before you were a caregiver, you were God’s beloved. Before you had a career, you had a Creator who called you His. Before any role, there was your relationship with God—and that has not changed.

When everything shifts, this remains: God knows you, loves you, delights in you, and calls you His. The question “Who am I now?” has a solid rock answer: I am God’s beloved child. Everything else is secondary.

Psalm 139 is your psalm: God knit you together, knows when you sit and rise, perceives your thoughts, and is familiar with all your ways. God fully knows you.

Rediscovering Yourself

If your identity is rooted in God’s love, rediscovery starts with questions nobody is asking anymore:

What do you love? Not what your kids need, or parents require, or job demands—what do you love? What brings you joy? This season invites you to unearth them.
Who did God make you to be? Before all the roles, who are you? Your gifts, personality, and unique way of reflecting God’s image? You are not generic, you’re specifically, particularly, irreplaceably you.
What have you always wanted to try? What has been on your “someday” list? This season might be the first time you have space to try.
Who are you becoming? You are not the same person you were at 25. You have been shaped by experience, refined by trials, deepened by suffering. Who is this person you are becoming?

Practical Steps

Create space for yourself. Start small—15 minutes daily, one hour weekly. You cannot rediscover yourself without time alone.
Ask yourself the questions. Journal, pray, or sit with: What do I love? What brings me joy? What do I want my next 20 years to look like? Who am I apart from what I do for others?
Try something new. One thing. Something you have always wanted to do that has nothing to do with caring for others.
Build friendships. You need friends who know you as you, not just as someone’s mom or daughter. This takes intentionality, but it is worth it.
Get help. If you feel overwhelmed, it’s difficult to truly rediscover who you are. Ask for help. Hire help if possible. Join a support group. You are being wise, not failing.
Give yourself grace. Some days you’ll feel like you’re finding yourself. Other days, more lost than ever. That’s normal. Growth isn’t linear.

You are Transitioning, Not Lost

Feeling lost does not mean something is wrong, it means you’re human, navigating a major transition. Transitions are wilderness times. You have left one place but have not arrived at the next. In between, there’s uncertainty.

But God meets people in the wilderness. Isaiah 43:18-19 says, “Remember not the former things… Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

God is doing a new thing in you right now—in this middle season, this identity crisis, this transition. You may not see it yet, but it is coming.

Donna’s Update

Six months later, Donna’s story came back with an update. Still tired, but with a spark that was not there before. “I am not all the way there yet, but I’m starting to see myself again. I joined a calligraphy class, something I loved as a girl in Manila but gave up when I got married. I am reconnecting with my childhood love of art. I am learning I am more than just the family caregiver and dutiful daughter. I am still me. I’d just forgotten for a while.”

She paused. “And this season—as hard as it is—is making me into someone I couldn’t have become in my 30s. More patient, yes. But also learning it is okay to have my own identity. In our culture, which is hard to claim. But I am learning that honoring my parents and caring for family does not mean I disappear. More dependent on God because He is teaching me it is not selfish to also care for myself. I wouldn’t have chosen this, but I’m not wasting it either.”

That is rediscovery in the middle years: not finding a finished product but glimpsing who you are becoming and trusting God with the process.

You are known by God, loved by God, held by God. Everything else is transition. And God is faithful in transitions.

Reflect

This Week’s Challenge: Journal through these questions: “Who am I beneath all my roles? What do I love that I have forgotten? What do I want my next chapter to look like?” Then do one small thing that reconnects you to yourself.

Question to Ponder: What is the hardest part of this season for you? Who could you talk to honestly about it?

Where Do These Ideas Come From

Bible Verses:

John 11:35 – Jesus wept at Lazarus’s tomb.
Ephesians 1:4-5 – Chosen and adopted as God’s children.
Psalm 139 – God’s intimate knowledge of us.
Isaiah 43:18-19 – God is doing a new thing.

Helpful Books:

Seamands, David A. Healing for Damaged Emotions. Colorado Springs: David C. Cook, 2015.
Manning, Brennan. Abba’s Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 2015.
Palmer, Parker J. Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000.

Support Resources:

Family Caregiver Alliance: www.caregiver.org
AARP Caregiving Resource Center: www.aarp.org/caregiving

For More Information: Start with Parker Palmer’s Let Your Life Speak for beautiful thoughts about identity. Then look at practical caregiving resources as you need them.

Disclosure: I occasionally share books and resources I’ve found helpful. Some links are affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases, at no extra cost to you.