What Kind of Elder Do You Want to Become?

Inspiring the Future | For Younger Generations 20s-40s

As a Wisdom Hunter, I’ve learned this: the elder you’ll become is being formed right now. Character compounds over decades—so does bitterness. The choices you’re making today shape who you’ll be at 80.

Picture two elderly people. The first is bitter—every conversation circles back to complaints, criticism, and past grievances. Their presence drains the room. The second is joyful—not because life was easy, but there’s peace, grace, curiosity about your life. Their presence brings life. When they speak, people lean in.

Which one do you want to be at 80?

You’re Building Your Future Self Today

You don’t suddenly become wise and gracious at 70. You become at 70 what you’ve been becoming all along. Proverbs 16:31 says gray hair is a crown of glory “gained in a righteous life.” Notice the condition—gray hair earned through righteousness, not just aging.

Every time you choose forgiveness over grudges, you’re building an elder who knows grace. Every time you admit you’re wrong, you’re building humility. Every time you choose gratitude over complaint, you’re building joy. Every time you open your Bible and pray, you’re building tested faith.

You’re not just living today—you’re building your 80-year-old self. And the inverse is true: every unaddressed wound becomes bitterness, every unconfessed sin grows, every neglected relationship dies. Bitterness grows slowly but surely.

What Makes a Life-Giving Elder

They cultivated humility. Life-giving elders don’t lecture—they share. They don’t assume they’re right—they stay curious. They’ve been wrong enough to hold opinions with open hands. Proverbs 11:2: “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.”
They learned to forgive. Nothing ages you faster than unforgiveness. The life-giving elder at 80 is the person at 30 who chose forgiveness when hard, who released offenses instead of collecting them. Ephesians 4:31-32 calls us to put away bitterness and forgive as Christ forgave us.
They stayed curious. Elders who bless haven’t stopped learning, growing, exploring. An 87-year-old learning video calls. An 83-year-old reading voraciously. A 90-year-old still wrestling with Scripture. Curiosity keeps you alive; rigidity kills you spiritually.
They built deep relationships. Loneliness is epidemic among the elderly who didn’t invest earlier. They prioritized career over relationships. The life-giving elder invested in marriage, prioritized children, and maintained friendships. Proverbs 17:17: “A friend loves at all times.” Friendships are built, and the time is now.
They walked through suffering without bitterness. Most life-giving elders suffered significantly—loss, illness, disappointment. But they emerged more compassionate, not cynical. More dependent on God, not distant. They grieved honestly, brought pain to God, and let suffering refine rather than define them.
They fear the Lord. This is the foundation. Proverbs 9:10: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” Life-giving elders aren’t wise because they’re old—they’re wise because they fear the Lord. That learning started young.

What Makes a Toxic Elder

Toxic elders didn’t become that way overnight—it was years of small choices. Unaddressed wounds became bitterness. Pride hardened into arrogance. Self-centeredness calcified. Faith was never tested or abandoned. Relationships were neglected. They chose career over family, comfort over investment, isolation over community.

The good news? You’re not locked into that path. You can choose differently starting today.

Habits to Build Now

Develop daily spiritual disciplines. Bible reading, prayer, worship. Start small, be consistent. These practices compound over decades.
Practice forgiving quickly. Don’t let offenses sit. Choose forgiveness before bitterness takes root. This muscle strengthens with use.
Stay teachable. Regularly learn from books, from older/wiser people, from younger/different people. Ask questions. Admit ignorance. Change your mind.
Invest deeply in relationships. Don’t collect acquaintances—build deep friendships. Invest in marriage, be present with kids, show up for community.
Bring your pain to God. When suffering comes, run to Him, not from Him. Lament honestly, question boldly, but stay engaged. Let suffering drive you deeper into God.
Practice gratitude daily. Gratitude is a habit, not a feeling. Notice and name what you’re grateful for. This practice transforms you over decades.
Address your issues now. Whatever wounds, sins, patterns you’re carrying—deal with them now. Get counseling, confess sin, pursue healing. Don’t carry this for 40 more years.
Serve others regularly. Build the habit of considering others, sacrificing, and giving. Volunteer, serve in church, help neighbors.
Cultivate the fear of the Lord. Make knowing God your highest priority—not about God, but knowing God. Spend time with Him, learn His character, let reverence shape everything.

The Long Obedience

Eugene Peterson wrote about “a long obedience in the same direction.” That’s what this is—decades of faithfulness, one choice at a time. Not glamorous, no instant transformation, but it works.

The 80-year-olds I most admire aren’t accidents. They’re the fruit of decades of faithfulness. Forty years from now, you can be the elder everyone wants to be around—or the one people avoid. The choice is yours, and you’re making it today.

Choose Wisely

Which elder do you want to be at 80? You’re becoming that person now. The habits you’re building, the character you’re forming—it’s all compounding. In ways you can’t see yet but will see clearly in 40 years.

Choose humility. Choose forgiveness. Choose curiosity. Choose relationships. Choose to bring pain to God. Choose gratitude. Choose to address issues. Choose to fear the Lord.

These choices won’t make you perfect, but they will make you into an elder who blesses others, reflects Christ, and finishes well.

The elder you’ll become is being formed today. Choose wisely.

Reflect

This Week’s Challenge: Identify one trait you admire in an elder. Practice it daily this week. If it’s humility, admit when you’re wrong. If it’s gratitude, write three things you’re grateful for daily. If it’s forgiveness, forgive someone who hurt you.

Question to Ponder: Who is an elder who models what you want to become? Can you thank them this week or ask them to mentor you?

Where These Ideas Come From

Bible Verses:

Proverbs 16:31 – Gray hair as a crown of glory from righteous life.
Proverbs 11:2 – Humility and wisdom.
Proverbs 9:10 – Fear of the Lord as beginning of wisdom.
Proverbs 17:17 – A friend loves at all times.
Ephesians 4:31-32 – Putting away bitterness, forgiving as Christ forgave.
Psalm 71:17-18 – Declaring God’s power to the next generation even in old age.

Helpful Books:

Willard, Dallas. Renovation of the Heart: Putting On the Character of Christ. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 2002.
Peterson, Eugene H. A Long Obedience in the Same Direction. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 2000

Bible Examples:

Caleb (Joshua 14:6-15) – At 85, still vigorous, faithful, claiming mountains.
Anna (Luke 2:36-38) – 84-year-old prophetess, faithful presence, recognized Messiah.

For More Information: Begin with Eugene Peterson’s A Long Obedience in the Same Direction for inspiring vision. Then read Dallas Willard’s Renovation of the Heart for a practical understanding of how character is formed.

Disclosure: I occasionally share books and resources I’ve found helpful. Some links are affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases, at no extra cost to you.